One of my OCD symptoms that annoys the heck out of me has to do with my face and ears. Sometimes I feel like I have to sniff or raise my eyebrows or blink a lot. Sometimes I have to pop my ears a lot.
Have any of you experienced that? Does your medication affect it? How do you stop it? I'm sure I"m not the only one who struggles with this.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Masturbation
Yeah, I went there.
OK, so OCD presents certain challenges with various areas of life. For me, I have a struggle sometime with masturbation. I can't do it with my Grandma's wedding ring on. It just feels wrong. I take it off.
I will always use a latex glove or plastic bag to prevent contamination.
I feel slightly guilty.
I feel dirty, even though I am a virgin. I feel like I've contaminated certain things I touch. I have gotten over this, but I used to take a shower afterwards to "cleanse" myself. I'd feel like my clothes were contaminated.
I worry about having wrong thoughts, or that I'm committing a sin.
It's frustrating, because even thought this is a normal part of life, and not wrong, there is so much guilt and feeling of wrongdoing sometimes. I know I am not a dirty person, and that I am not bad, but there is still so much guilt and feeling of contamination. I'm getting better, but it can be really frustrating to have to deal with perceived contamination and sin, whether real or imagined.
Masturbation historically has been fraught with secrecy, guilt, and judgement. It is very natural, but especially to OCD sufferers, it brings special challenges as we associate it with contamination, sin, and guilt.
The only thing I can do is offer my experience, and tell you that I still think I am a good person, even thought I struggle with my guilt and thoughts. I don't know if this will help anyone, but please know that if you struggle with fears, doubt and guilt, you are not alone. And you are still a good person.
OK, so OCD presents certain challenges with various areas of life. For me, I have a struggle sometime with masturbation. I can't do it with my Grandma's wedding ring on. It just feels wrong. I take it off.
I will always use a latex glove or plastic bag to prevent contamination.
I feel slightly guilty.
I feel dirty, even though I am a virgin. I feel like I've contaminated certain things I touch. I have gotten over this, but I used to take a shower afterwards to "cleanse" myself. I'd feel like my clothes were contaminated.
I worry about having wrong thoughts, or that I'm committing a sin.
It's frustrating, because even thought this is a normal part of life, and not wrong, there is so much guilt and feeling of wrongdoing sometimes. I know I am not a dirty person, and that I am not bad, but there is still so much guilt and feeling of contamination. I'm getting better, but it can be really frustrating to have to deal with perceived contamination and sin, whether real or imagined.
Masturbation historically has been fraught with secrecy, guilt, and judgement. It is very natural, but especially to OCD sufferers, it brings special challenges as we associate it with contamination, sin, and guilt.
The only thing I can do is offer my experience, and tell you that I still think I am a good person, even thought I struggle with my guilt and thoughts. I don't know if this will help anyone, but please know that if you struggle with fears, doubt and guilt, you are not alone. And you are still a good person.
It's amazing to think that I've not posted on this blog for a year. Thank you to all who encouraged me to keep going - your encouragement means a lot to me. Well, let's see. Right now I'm still struggling with the washing of my hands. I've been using pump soap lately which has really dried out my hands. Any advice on how to restore moisture to my cracked and bleeding knuckles? :)
OCD is a really amazing thing. It keeps cycling. It preys on your worst fears, and keeps changing so you always find yourself at a disadvantage. I've talked before about "good" and "bad" numbers. Recently I've found that they can cycle through pretty fast. The numbers that were traditionally bad for me have turned good for a while, and have now started turning back to bad. It's frustrating. Just when you thought improvements were being made, the improvements switch back to bad things.
Life has been pretty good lately, thought, in spite of the bleeding knuckles and cycling numbers. I've been taking some vitamin supplements that have at least put me in a good mood. Mind you, I"m not a doctor, so perhaps the supplements I am taking will lead to some kind of weird cancer or destroy my spleen. I don't know. What I do know is that I am feeling great taking St. John's Wort, Magnesium/Calcium/Zinc, Flax/Borage/Fish Oil, and then my regular medications. Please ask your doctor before adding any supplements or vitamins to your medication. Some supplements have terrible reactions with medication. Ask your doctor before you try any vitamins or supplements. (Lawyers, are you happy?!)
I have been struggling lately with a really weird symptom. It's not terribly disruptive, but it's weird. I have to have the light reflect off my thumbnail just right, so that it forms a vertical line down the left side of my left thumbnail. I don't know if any of my friends or family have noticed me angling my thumb so that whatever light there is (lamp light, the light of the speedometer, etc.) hits it just right, but it is annoying. I'm still slightly surprised I haven't gotten in a car accident due to all the things I have to do with my OCD while driving, but there you are.
What a crazy disorder. How can I help any of you who may be struggling?
OCD is a really amazing thing. It keeps cycling. It preys on your worst fears, and keeps changing so you always find yourself at a disadvantage. I've talked before about "good" and "bad" numbers. Recently I've found that they can cycle through pretty fast. The numbers that were traditionally bad for me have turned good for a while, and have now started turning back to bad. It's frustrating. Just when you thought improvements were being made, the improvements switch back to bad things.
Life has been pretty good lately, thought, in spite of the bleeding knuckles and cycling numbers. I've been taking some vitamin supplements that have at least put me in a good mood. Mind you, I"m not a doctor, so perhaps the supplements I am taking will lead to some kind of weird cancer or destroy my spleen. I don't know. What I do know is that I am feeling great taking St. John's Wort, Magnesium/Calcium/Zinc, Flax/Borage/Fish Oil, and then my regular medications. Please ask your doctor before adding any supplements or vitamins to your medication. Some supplements have terrible reactions with medication. Ask your doctor before you try any vitamins or supplements. (Lawyers, are you happy?!)
I have been struggling lately with a really weird symptom. It's not terribly disruptive, but it's weird. I have to have the light reflect off my thumbnail just right, so that it forms a vertical line down the left side of my left thumbnail. I don't know if any of my friends or family have noticed me angling my thumb so that whatever light there is (lamp light, the light of the speedometer, etc.) hits it just right, but it is annoying. I'm still slightly surprised I haven't gotten in a car accident due to all the things I have to do with my OCD while driving, but there you are.
What a crazy disorder. How can I help any of you who may be struggling?
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