Thursday, June 18, 2009
Question About OCD and Spirituality
I have a question for any of you fellow OCDers out there who have religious/spiritual beliefs.....what parts of your religion/spirituality do you find to be much tougher because of OCD? For example, reading the Bible is sometimes harder for me because I have to reread things, or end on something positive. Praying is harder for me because I have to say a certain number of things, and certain phrases. These are a few examples from my own life. Is there anything in your practice of your certain belief that OCD makes more difficult?
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28 comments:
Reading scripture is difficult for me; I put it off because I'm concerned that I need to go through a ritual to do it "right." That includes praying first, using the right set of scriptures, finding the marking pen I like, and following all the footnotes. Then I take notes by writing the entire verse and reference down. In the "right" notebook (I'm very picky about stationery). So it's a huge tedious process in my head. I won't even start if I don't have the materials nearby, because I'm afraid I'll make a personal learning/spiritual breakthrough and not have the means to remember it.
Prayer is somewhat the same way for me. I don't want to leave anything out, and I want to do it all in perfect order. I want to have a pen and notebook nearby to take notes on feelings I get when I pray. I want to be in a place where I can pray out loud. So the ritual takes over and I end up not praying.
I also have trouble sitting in a leadership capacity at my church and having "you're not worthy" thoughts come to my head, all the time. Sometimes those thoughts actually lead me to the point of saying or doing something I might regret later (like posting a very negative Facebook status update, lol) because they convince me that I *am* bad and *will* give in and that I have no control.
I'm learning that a huge component of this for me is understanding that I do have control over my life, and that I'm not a slave to circumstance.
Thanks for your post.
How very frustrating it is. :-(
I have trouble with doubting that I've been forgiven after confession. I might feel fine right after but then I think maybe I didn't confess good enough and get really anxious that I need to go back. This makes me confess the same things over again just to be sure.
I find that reading the bible is hard because I have to go back an reread certain words a certain amount of time because the anxiety start to grow when I try to keep on going and ignore it. In this case I get frustrated and find myself giving up most of the time because I feel that this is just a waste of time. The unwanted thoughts also frustrate me because my mind just keeps on telling me that I am just wasting my time, and that what I am doing is just plain stupid.
Me-Longtime OCD sufferer-18 to 28
The most difficulty I have is that I believe I will say something "dirty" or inappropriate in church.
I have to really focus before I go to control my thoughts.
But in general I sometimes have anger towards God because of the OCD.I struggle to understand why I have this illness and why/if God gave it to me.
But,sometimes I think maybe there is a higher purpose behind the OCD.Maybe its just here to teach me a lesson.
I just don't know.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/the_scrupe_group/
I'm a Lutheran pastor with OCD, and over five hundred of your fellow sufferers are struggling together in the Scrupe Group.
Come join us!
I find reading the bible difficult because I'm very sensitive towards the harsher passages, and often feel 'attacked.'
For a while my OCD really latched on to the question of my salvation, and I felt like I was alienated from other Christians when at church and that there was something wrong.
This 'feeling' is still something I battle with, but I now identify it with the same feeling I get when I feel I need to wash my hands again; it's all part of the OCD. In reality, all is well!
I think as well I can find it difficult distinquishing an OCD thought from a prompting from God, so I ask him now to be extra clear and trust that if He wants me to do something He'll let me know!
I try and remember that God knows about how OCD affects me, and pray that He forgives me for the ways in which it affects my relationship with Him and stops me being who I could be.
I hope that one day I will really be able to claim the peace that God promises. I wish I could trust God. OCD is called the 'doubting disease,' and for those of us with a faith it really is a toughie!
God bless you all, praying for you.
xxxx
I just recently realized I've had OCD and have had it for a few years. (I'm 17.) I feel like I must pray every night and repeat certain things and pray for certain people/relationships/things in my life and the world. If I don't, it feels wrong! Also, reading the Bible was something I did every night - a certain number of pages, a certain amount of lines. And I always had to memorize it, too. With praying, it's similar, but I have been able to modify my prayers without feeling guilty for an extended period of time. (At first, I felt like I was letting the people I used to specifically pray for down, but then I kept telling myself it was just OCD, and that it was ok! It worked.) Anyway, to answer the question, everything about OCD makes my belief (Methodist) difficult. I simply want to pray without any boundaries!
One question: does anyone have any helpful/positive feedback about being afraid of germs? I definitely am, and I need to know how to overcome it!
Are you currently receiving any treatment for your contamination OCD?
A fantastic resource that has helped me a lot is Charity called OCD-UK, and they have a forum so that you can get support and advice from other sufferers. In addition, the site also has a guide to the four step method, which as far as I'm aware is the most successful technique to relabelling the thoughts in your mind as OCD and developing a new pattern of behaviour.
The website is here:
http://www.ocduk.org/
(The link to the forum is on the left-hand side).
Almost every OCD problem is somewhere in that forum, and it is a great place to discuss your progress with others (for instance for recording that you resisted the compulsion to decontaminate your phone, or wash your hands after touching something you consider contaminated).
Hope you find it helpful, let me know if you need any more info.
All the best x
Thank you x!
I will definitely check out the website!
And, to answer your question, I haven't seen anyone about my OCD; I'm too embarassed. But, I hope to stop it on my own first, and if I don't succeed, I will definitely seek help.
The comment from July 13 is EXACTLY what I went through. I had a hard time understanding why repeating scriptures and going to church wasn't helping my OCD. I got medical help and after "exposure" to the things causing anxiety, it diminished swiftly. I was upset to find out the the compulsions were not Him but something psychological. However, I still maintain my faith and am currently working on being able to separate the two.
For me, I HAVE to go about a certain order of praying. If I don't begin with: "Dear God," and end with "Please Bless my mommy, my daddy, my sister and me. Please bless everyone in the world. Please bless us all and let us have a wonderful day tomorrow and the next day and the rest of the week and thank you for everything you do. Thank you for this day. I love you so much, thank you. It's in Jesus' name I pray, amen." and then kiss my hand and blow it upwards to the sky with my eyes open. No matter how tired I am, my eyes have to be open.
Also, I sometimes have obtrusive thoughts, sexual ones about God or Jesus. I hate myself so much when that happens but I can't stop thinking about it. I feel guilty.
I don't even know why I pray in "Jesus' name.." I don't even know if I believe that he was the Messiah. But if I don't pray like that... it won't be accepted.
I find it hard to pray, mostly because thoughts intrude and I am distrated, and I can't stay focused. I find my most spiritual moments are brought out by listening to or playing music. I love playing and listening to the pipe organ... there's something profound about such an ancient instrument that has such depth of tonality and tonal range. It just resonates with my inner core and brings me to a higher plane that I can't achieve when my OCD has got the better of me
i def. agree with you - i'm not so religious but i have my beliefs and follow a religion and i think morals/values are important - and when it comes to reading the holy book and praying i have such a hard time because i have to say certain things -i prefer to say them in a certain order - and then i have to think positive thoughts too. not only that but i have to read everyday and when i don't i feel guilty. fasting gets a little difficult too because i always feel like i somehow broke my fast although i never do - it's just all the doubt that's there - that's the main problem.
Hi,
I am a hindu by religion. For me, going to temple it self is a tough thing to do. As I start to pray, nothing but sex comes to mind. It makes me more guilty and i feel like that i have committed a big sin. Even saying some prayers is difficult.
I have been suffering from OCD for 30 years plus now. I realise that what i am having is OCD only this year. I have started to blog about it. To spread the word and share some experiences to everyone who have not realised what kind of an enemy within that they are facing with. Please visit my blog by clicking the URL on my Name.
God Bless...
Regards
Ruben
I am 37 year old male who has had OCD since about the age of 10. However I was only officially diagnosed with OCD at the age of 21. Up until that time I thought I was crazy!
When I was 11, My fanatical Christian Teacher put the fear of God into me. He should have been teaching me History and English, not religious studies. He taught us about sin and it's consequences, i.e. that we would go to hell if we sinned.
My OCD hooked into this idea, and before I knew it I was continuously saying repetitive prayers. Something Mantra-like, e.g. "Please forgive me Jesus for thinking a bad thought about (whatever/whoever), etc.. At first these prayers started as thought-prayers in my head, but soon became verbal utterances, like quiet mumblings. I was scared that I could die at any moment and that if I didn't ask for forgiveness all the time, I would die as a sinner and go to hell.
This took on various forms throughout the years. It got worse and I felt that if I thought bad thoughts about people something bad would happen to someone I cared about as a way of punishment. Of course I had to pray for this not to happen.
Over the years things grew hellish and totally out of control. Even when I tried a more "new age" way of thinking - still believing in an all powerful God, but without all the traditional Christian beliefs and ideology attached, I still had to pray to this higher power. Guilt and more guilt over the years. It is fair to say that eventually this guilt nearly killed me - I felt guilty for everything, thought I was completely evil and unlovable and wanted to die. At about this time I met a Christian woman who tried to re-introduce God and Jesus as a benevolent, kind God of love. This helped quite a bit, although I still had to pray a lot, obsessive thoughts where triggered by Christian music, churches, preachers, all kinds of things, and still I had to pray for forgiveness.
After a lot of physical, emotional mental and financial problems I realized earlier this year, that, for me, there is no God at all. There is no one looking out for me and I cannot fathom why life should be so terrible for so many people. It all seems like a sick joke, a random experiment.
Since I have become an atheist I feel almost no guilt and hence no need to pray. I still Have OCD when it comes to some other things, like my fear of broken glass and germs, but even in these areas I have made dramatic improvements. I have also been able to reduce my medication by 75% and I am happier than I have ever been.
That is just a very brief summary of my Personal OCD experience with regard to religion. It's not meant to be an attack on Christianity or religion in general, it's just how I have and am experiencing things
take care
J
usually, I find it's difficult to simply launch in to spiritual practice... i often feel the need to go about a certain number of steps before actually getting into the doing the thing - whether it be praying, or meditative contemplation, etc.
also, I often feel a strong sense of guilt about each mistake I feel I make - for example, I spoke to harshly to that person, or I said the wrong thing, or whatever - and then when I try to do some spiritual practice, my mind says 'How can you do this after doing something so mean/cruel/selfish?'
Finally, i too experience the thing with needing to repeat lines of prayer and stuff or whatever i'm reading. ay caramba! too much stuff to deal with, seems like :P
OCD and religion... Well I can't say my OCD has any direct impact on my religious practice because my OCD is very much related to being clean. But sometimes when I said my prayers, I did tend to want to go over the prayers again and again until I had all the words and sentences right. And even if I were to repeat them, they would all need to be in the right order. Anytime when they were jumbled up, I would just decide to start all over again. Can be frustrating because I then wondered if the ONE above understand what I was trying to communicate or wish for...
I have had a lot of issues over the years with my praying becoming ritualized. I actually just blogged about one of my first OCD memories that involved spirituality. I think religion is such an easy target for OCD. Thanks for your posts!
www.whatnooneknew.wordpress.com
I am 40,an evangelical presbyterian pastor, and have just been diagnosed with OCD.
While I have been meeting with a counselor for some time, I am also just now getting help for the OCD. I am on Lexipro and have my first session with an OCD specialist this Saturday.
My OCD manifests itself in a repeatetive thought loop that I am morally responsible for the lives of others (physicaly and spiritually), and I must do whatever I can to help because God will honor it.
The toughest part this plays in my faith is really understanding God's love and grace for myself. So I try to be morally perfect, and gain God's favor, thus he will protect me and those I care about.( Kind'a idolatrous don't 'cha think).
I pray every morning. I have a prayer bracelet of beads that I pray through. I have a set of prayers that I pray through (Lord's Prayer, The Shema), and texts that I recite every morning. I keep a list of names that I pray for every day. And i consider these the best part of my OCD.
Like I said, the toughest part of all of this is wondering why God would allow me to have this burden if He called me to the ministry. Why would he reveal this at age 40 in the midst of a new ministry and change for my family?
I am learning to surrender and serve from weakness the hard way. I am being thrown into a desert that I never wanted or asked for. I have prayed for healing and freedom. I now pray for redemption; just redeem it somehow.
I find the old saying "Let go and let God" impossible at times. I struggled in my faith for years before being diagnosed with OCD. The whole idea of asking Christ into my heart at a young age wasn't that difficult, but since becoming an adult I found trusting Him to be a real challenge. I don't have prayer rituals where I have to say certain things, or only read certain Bible passages, but just the idea of handing Him my mind daily is a real struggle. Through counseling, I started to understand that I also needed to deal with codependency issues. As a result of joining a support group and speaking about OCD, I'm actually learning how to trust God for the daily things I need, such as a sound mind when anxiety and stress hit.
Heather C. Crilly
"Living Victoriously with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder"
www.heathercrilly.com
Hi all
Just trying to get some relief with my OCD. My spiritual side of life is very important to me. Recently I have been having OCD thoughts around Past Lifes and wondering if I had done anything wrong in them. It just comes back time and time again and I have trouble not trying to analyse it. I belive in past lives and one year ago this thought would not have bothered me but now it does. Past OCD thoughts have been round disturbing sexual obsessions and quilty religious thoughts aswell.
So if anyone out there has OCD around Past Lives I would be delighted to hear from you.
much love
jonnie x
I didnt read through all of the comments but a majority of them I did. I've come to terms with the fact that I have OCD and mine has alot to do with my health and prayer. Like when I am praying I say certain words over and over and over again because I feel like I didnt get it right and if I dont get it right or pronounce it correctly God would be mad....or I'll have anxiety from it. Im still scared to go to the doctors and officially be diagnosed with it but my grandfather and my aunt had it too.
Also I have this thing where I will not touch the garbage can because Im afraid of the germs or I wont touch the handle on the toilet seat. Alot of times I feel alone in this because out of my household Im the only one like this and my mom she gets mad alot because Im always asking her things over and over again for reassurance. Like the health thing I think Im a hypochondriac too or maybe its because of the OCD but I always think I have something and I have a fear of getting any major illnesses. I can watch something on TV and if someone on there has cancer or HIV or something My mind will start thinking crazy things like OMG I might have it or something...
I have alot of trouble with Prayers now because of it. Like I always dread saying them because I know Im gonna spend hours repeating it over and over and over again. Does anyone else have the same problem? and how do you deal with it...because when I try to ignore it...the anxiety kicks in
I have pretty much abandoned any faith that I was brought up with. It's easier than dealing with the insane idea that a heavenly father sends people to hell because they don't believe the right thing. I guess I realized the cruelness of this when I had my own children. I would never send them to eternal punishment even if they did something terrible. If it is true than God himself has ocd and I choose not to believe that.
I am on 100mg of zoloft daily. I am female, 32, live in US. As a child I was haunted by "the thought of the thought of sexual thoughts with Jesus". I am serious. I also had an insane fear of going to hell. As an adult I sometimes worry about harm to my children from everyday chemicals. I used to worry about harm coming to others and having to prevent it by telling them about possible negative things-i.e. bpa in baby bottles-watch out for that, etc.
So it seems to me to be the same thing, just another ocd manifestation, to worry about someone going to hell and being responsible for someone else's morality -this is directed to you anon ocd evangelical 40-yr old minister.
I see a lot of ideas in religion that seem like they are ocd thoughts- like my parents believe one must be baptized, dunked, for it to be done right. My response to my parents is , 'I don't think God has OCD.' They know my struggles but they still don't understand.
It's taken a lot of work and medicine to come to this level of awareness of my ocd. I still go to church with my children and husband and go through the motions because I think there is some good one can learn in church but I don't believe in an afterlife, but who knows, there may be a God.
I am trying the 12 steps program of neurotics anonymous, it is an spiritual program that has saved lives, if there is any meeting close to your home go and try it, it is a different way of viewing God and his word, the Bible. I have faith.
I have a very difficult time with prayer because of my ocd. I always have. When I was a child, I remember lying in bed and having to say my prayers in exactly the right order. Now I have problems with thinking the Lord's name in vain and blasphemous thoughts while I am praying. This makes me have to start all over again, and it just becomes a vicious cycle that last all day most days.
I struggle with all of the imperfection in the church. Not personal imperfection, like people being people, but imperfection such as the music being out of tune, the powerpoint being poorly designed, or the sermon being poorly delivered. I struggle with the poor quality of things like the website, the small group system, the advertisement, and the newsletter. I realize that people aren't perfect and I try to show grace, but the OCD says, "Perfection is the standard. Why can't they see that?!"
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As I have scrupulosity, this has always been a problem. Mostly, however, it seems to revolve around thinking that I'm never going to be good enough in God's eyes and trying to figure out what it is I need to do in order to be acceptable. It's endless.
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