It's amazing to think that I've not posted on this blog for a year. Thank you to all who encouraged me to keep going - your encouragement means a lot to me. Well, let's see. Right now I'm still struggling with the washing of my hands. I've been using pump soap lately which has really dried out my hands. Any advice on how to restore moisture to my cracked and bleeding knuckles? :)
OCD is a really amazing thing. It keeps cycling. It preys on your worst fears, and keeps changing so you always find yourself at a disadvantage. I've talked before about "good" and "bad" numbers. Recently I've found that they can cycle through pretty fast. The numbers that were traditionally bad for me have turned good for a while, and have now started turning back to bad. It's frustrating. Just when you thought improvements were being made, the improvements switch back to bad things.
Life has been pretty good lately, thought, in spite of the bleeding knuckles and cycling numbers. I've been taking some vitamin supplements that have at least put me in a good mood. Mind you, I"m not a doctor, so perhaps the supplements I am taking will lead to some kind of weird cancer or destroy my spleen. I don't know. What I do know is that I am feeling great taking St. John's Wort, Magnesium/Calcium/Zinc, Flax/Borage/Fish Oil, and then my regular medications. Please ask your doctor before adding any supplements or vitamins to your medication. Some supplements have terrible reactions with medication. Ask your doctor before you try any vitamins or supplements. (Lawyers, are you happy?!)
I have been struggling lately with a really weird symptom. It's not terribly disruptive, but it's weird. I have to have the light reflect off my thumbnail just right, so that it forms a vertical line down the left side of my left thumbnail. I don't know if any of my friends or family have noticed me angling my thumb so that whatever light there is (lamp light, the light of the speedometer, etc.) hits it just right, but it is annoying. I'm still slightly surprised I haven't gotten in a car accident due to all the things I have to do with my OCD while driving, but there you are.
What a crazy disorder. How can I help any of you who may be struggling?
9 comments:
I count endlessly.I count my teeth while flossing, each step I take, etc. It is driving me mad. I was aware of it before but has gotten so much worse in the past few months. I just started taking lexapro for the first time about 4 weeks ago and my counting issues seem to be getting worse- and I am wondering if there may be any connection to the lexapro and my counting getting worse? I have been tolerating the lexapro really well otherwise. I am an in the closet OCD-er and I need some help from someone who understands!!
About your knuckles--try putting vaseline on them and at night, and sleeping with gloves on....unless you think you will misuse the gloves later to protect yourself from contamination. I don't know what tendencies you have.
I know that I have to be careful of certain things because they could lead to me acquiring new compulsive traits. I wrote about it here: http://itsmewithocd.blogspot.com/2009/01/ocd-knowing-my-limitations.html
HI,
i see lots of people can express their feelings about this problem.I have had in a minor way the urge of counting,tyding up,waiting and counting before reaching a certain place or getting rid of a paper ball,touching my chest when gaming,checking the doorknob,checking the page of a book,swearing and correcting it(i m not religious!)......I have had since 15 a severe obsessive thinking which i couldn t recognise,thinking about the fact i was guilty,different,not even human.The thoughts were perceptions,like seeing immagines which disturbed me a lot,or even feeling on my skin.I knew was unreal but it completely destroied my life cutting all i had and escaping from everything i feared.it feels like i m sexually abused and it comes like in a loop every few seconds hurting me and creating a lot of anxiety.When i started to get psychotropic drugs like SSRI,i felt like a different person.Before that I couldn t enjoy even a meal or a sunset without being disturbed by my thoughts and almost on the brink of madness and suicide.So taking SSRI was like everything came back to normal.I was wrong though.I didn t really solved the problem,i just broke down my depression state but still my problems were behind the wall created by the medicin.After 2 years playing like a fool just with medicins,i started to do a cognitive behavioural therapy. It s hard,takes energy and put yourself finally in front of your fears and thoughts.But this is something that really changes your thoughts and behaviour.indeed,it s based on the former studies of the physician Pavlov with dogs.When you do something that capture your attention and repeat it several times,than you start to be conditionated.Means that something is now automatic in your brain,acting like you dont have even think about.When you can t drive you have to take lessons.At the beginning is difficoult and not fluid,than after you can even drive and speak.So the driving skill is now automatic and you are conditioned in the motions.Same for fears:if you are afraid of dogs and every time you see one of them you run away,you just mark and underline the fact that you should be aware of dogs and that the conditioning into your mind that started maybe in your childhood,is afterwords true.
The therapy use the same principle,but reversing it.it breaks the relationsship between your anxiety and a thought and between the obsession and the compulsion.Think about:you have a thought that drives you crazy and you use a ritual to ease the anxiety.DOing therapy means to learn how to break this loop.It means to work out hard and change litteraly your brain patterns and your reactions to events inside you and outside.It s like to study everyday and to face your fears setp by step.A therapist is important cause can track your progress and can teach you a method which depends by your obsessions and rituals.It takes time,weeks,months probably,cause you can t change what has been created in many years just in few minuts or days.Brain needs time and has his speed!
And i can tell you even after weeks i couldn t see a big improvement but there is,you just can t misure it just the day after.It s not a huge leap but a little step.Think about studying for an exame.The same.
I ll be specific.There are things like pictures,objects,situations,even colors and sounds ,that lit up my obsessions and lead me to spend most of my time trying to reasure myself that is not happening with scarce resoults. What do i do?I start to change my behaviour.I set a scale of the least anxious stimolus to the most one.Than i start to face it slowly,day after day,everytime i can and i feel like,in every situation.When i feel anxiety(short breath,skin reaction,muscles contracting...)i try not to avoid it with a mental(or real in other cases)compulsion but to wait observing myself and waiting for it fading away.Of course it has not to be something too strong.That s why you set a list.When you are totally confidence with the thought or fear or whatever(don t give up even if it takes a month just for one of them until you are totally indifferent to it)than you can climb to the following point in the list.i repeat : it s not a only one day exercise and you need a lot of patient and strenght.your brain changes slowly. And you need to pay attention on what you are doing.
Example(i m not a therapist but i can use it to make it clear)
You must touch your nose everytime you see a vivid red colour or you must count to a certain number if you swear,to neutralize it.
You can procede by retarding a little time the counting or the touching and explore your anxiety,waiting untill it fades a little.Than count.Do it every day as often as you can and when you are confortable with the level of anxiety,than use a longer period.You don t have to wait of course to see a red or to swear in a situation.You can thin k a red or stay in a place and look on purpose a red object.IT DOESNT WORK JUST ONCE BUT IT TAKES LOTS OF TRIALS!and even when you think there is no better,you have to keep training.Do it every where,in every situation,anytime you can.When you can master it and resist even for 10 minutes,than you start for example to change the compulsion.....it s up to the doctor to tell how you should do it.But it works ,you start to change.I can t say i feel glad to be trapped in this and it s quite stressing to face everyday things that for many people are futile and absurd.
I hope it s of some help.
I wish to share more with other people about this desease.
I'm interested in getting information about alternative therapies. I've been on anti-depressant pills for 8 years now, and while they help to some degree, the side-effects are rotten (particularly the weight-gain, and dry mouth is making my teeth fall out) so I'm keen to look elsewhere. Fish oil capsules seem to help. St John's Wort is supposed to be helpful, but I don't know if it is powerful enough (my OCD, untreated is severe)! Cost is an issue too!
The BEST hand cream in my opinion is Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Hand Cream. http://www.neutrogena.ca/en/getProduct.asp?cat=8&sub=9&id=75&display=0
Works great on dry cracked knuckles. It's a tiny tube for the price you pay but you really only need a little bit for it to do the job. Totally worth it. I use the fragrance-free one.
I have so many things that I have to do. I am a fourteen year old girl and my life has been made miserable because of my OCD. The thing that you do with your thumb, I also have to do. I hate my life because of this. It controls it. My family don't understand and I get in trouble for doing things that I just can't help. :(
To : "I count endlessly. I count my teeth while flossing, each step I take, etc. It is driving me mad. I was aware of it before but has gotten so much worse in the past few months. I just started taking lexapro for the first time about 4 weeks ago and my counting issues seem to be getting worse- and I am wondering if there may be any connection to the lexapro and my counting getting worse? I have been tolerating the lexapro really well otherwise. I am an in the closet OCD-er and I need some help from someone who understands!!"
I don't know what lexapro is but i'm assuming it's not medication for ocd since you're a "in the closet" about your ocd. i really really do suggest that you seek medical advice from a psychiatrist. medication for ocd can be very effective. I did however, just look up lexapro and apparently it's used to to treat GAD which leads me to deduce that you did communicate your symptoms in some form to a medical professional who wrote out the prescription for you. In that case, i strongly suggest that you tell your physician about your worries about the link between the prescribed drug and a noticed increase in symptoms to see whether there's a medical correlation which might help with your diagnosis further. Even if there isn't, if it's not improving the situation, you should tell your physician too, because there is a variety of drugs which help ocd and there probably is one out there which will relieve your symptoms, you have to keep open channels of communication with your physician. I take seroxat, and it helps a great deal. Good luck. :)
and
To: "I have so many things that I have to do. I am a fourteen year old girl and my life has been made miserable because of my OCD. The thing that you do with your thumb, I also have to do. I hate my life because of this. It controls it. My family don't understand and I get in trouble for doing things that I just can't help. :("
I feel for you, i really really do. I know how miserable ocd can make life. It makes it hardly bearable. The fact that it alienates and angers the people around you because they don't understand must be very downing too. I strongly suggest you get your parents to take you to a psychiatrist for help. Medication really really helps, it really does. If your parents object because of cost of stigma, really try to get through to them regardless because in the long run, they will start to understand and appreciate the fact that they got you help when they see how much less you're suffering. I really can identify with your situation, I bet your family is telling you that it’s a "willpower matter" which makes you feel utterly frustrated because it's not like you WANT yourself to do these things and at the same time, you wish you had the will to ignore your compulsions but they always seem like they're in control. The fear is terrifying. Research has started to show that it’s because of the way certain chemicals behave in your brain. I really really want you to get relieve from your misery, and medication will help a lot. Please do get help. I wish you all the best and you’re in my prayers. Hug.
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I have so many things that I have to do. I am a fourteen year old girl and my life has been made miserable because of my OCD. The thing that you do with your thumb, I also have to do. I hate my life because of this. It controls it. My family don't understand and I get in trouble for doing things that I just can't help. :(
^^ I can't tell you how much I can relate! I think mine started around the age of 14... Or at least the noticeable repetitions. I am now 21 and it's intensified x 100000... :-( I think that OCD takes over 95% of my day every day... I'm just so afraid of telling some stranger my bizarre lifestyle of OCD. :-( I have opened up to my best friend about it and my mom. My best friend has ADHD and is on aderol so she knows how effective getting help can be and is constantly on my case to seek help. I think my mom thinks it's something I can control though. Both my mom and my brother have it midly, so I'm guessing it can be hereditary? Mine is by far the worst... Fortunately, I can hide it "in front" of people though. That is the ONLY time that I can (am allowed) to pass on not doing something. It goes through my head of course but a particular action like flicking the lights on and of "eight" times I can get away with by doing it just once and if I can come up with a good excuse, "twice", since the number one is not my facorite number. I am studying to be a teacher and I don't know how I'll ever be able to do it (stay organized and punctual) with this constantly taking over my life. People pick on me for taking forever to get ready or being late for class. (It's my "rituals" not me...) I HATE being late but if I don't do one of them, just one, my entire day is thrown off... I feel so anxious and fidgity and I believe that something horrible will happen to someone close to me. In fact, that is my biggest fear. It's ridiculous and I myself KNOW that it's ridiculous, but the anxiety is unbearable and I couldn't live with myself if something that I choose not to do resulted in the death or harm to someone close to me. :-( I sound insane, like an alien... but I can't help it... :-( And then I research these medications like Celexa, Zoloft, Prozac, Luvox, Paxil, etc. and I hear about these side effects and I don't know what is worse... All I know is that I've had it. And I pray to G-d that I don't have to live like this for the rest of my life. :-(
I don't wish this on ANYONE. Good luck to all of you out there suffering... I know what you're going through, trust me.
P.S. - - Is it not a pet peeve hearing people throw the phrase around "It's my OCD" when they want their paper to sound perfect or they have to keep their room clean!? I mean yes, that can definitely be a symptom, but if that was ALL that I had to worry about life would be AMAZING. If only they knew who they were saying that to... They're "NORMAL".
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