O Baby

As I've learned all too well in my struggles with OCD, so many of the fears and worries we have are completely irrational. Because of our "magical thinking" however, we fear that if we don't perform a ritual in the right way, something completely unrelated will happen. For instance, if I don't touch something the right way, or a certain amount of times before I throw it away, somehow I will be cursing God.

When I was about junior high aged, one of my irrational fears was that I was pregnant. It was irrational because I was (and still am) a virgin. But I thought that if I did or didn't do certain things, that I would get pregnant. I remember at times being relieved when I started my period, because that meant I wasn't pregnant.

As with most parts of my OCD, my spiritual beliefs only exacerbated the stress. In the Old Testament of the Bible, there are verses relating to when a woman makes a vow. Here are some verses (Numbers 30:3-5, NIV):

3 "When a young woman still living in her father's house makes a vow to the LORD or obligates herself by a pledge 4 and her father hears about her vow or pledge but says nothing to her, then all her vows and every pledge by which she obligated herself will stand. 5 But if her father forbids her when he hears about it, none of her vows or the pledges by which she obligated herself will stand; the LORD will release her because her father has forbidden her."

Of course, no one heard me make these 'vows', so there was no one to release me from them. Thus, the vow would stand. I would make 'vows' like, "I vow that I am pregnant if I don't touch this wall 10 times." Of course, then the doubt would enter...did I touch the wall 10 times?, etc. I had a mantra that I would repeat: "Not pregnant no matter what." Sometimes it would be attached to a condition, such as, "Not pregnant no matter what, if I touch the table 10 times." Or, "Not pregnant no matter what, if I do or do not touch my pen 3 times." You see, I'd make counter-vows to make sure I wasn't going to get pregnant.

The funny thing is that even now, I still repeat the "Not pregnant no matter what" phrase under my breath or when I'm alone, but I no longer think I'm going to get pregnant. It's more like a representative phrase--I may repeat the "Not pregnant no matter what" when what I really am trying to stave off is the fear of cursing God, not of getting pregnant.

On a side note, the fear of getting pregnant affected my writing. For example, when you draw the letter 'o', sometimes where you start the 'o' and where you end it cross, so you have some of the line inside the 'o', like this:


I would have to rewrite or erase the lines that were inside the 'o', or else that meant pregnancy (you could think of the 'o' as a womb, and the line inside was the baby).

Isn't it funny how even the most irrational fears can have such a complicated, 'logical' structure?

Guilty: True or False?

OCD has been called the "doubting disease". In addition to obsessions and compulsions, many people with OCD struggle with doubting themselves, their actions, etc. This can lead to all sorts of frustration and false guilt. I wasn't diagnosed with OCD until I was 17. That finally shed some light on the "strange" phases I'd gone through as a child. Many of these phases involved false guilt. OCD can make you feel bad about things that aren't wrong at all.

I remember going through a time when I was in grade school/junior high where I would apologize for everything. EVERYTHING. I didn't want to "sin" or do anything wrong so I'd apologize after fights with my sister (even though I have a right to feel angry), or apologize for other little things I can't recall now. I'd have little "confession sessions" with my Mom (mostly my Mom at that time) where I'd tell her things and apologize or ask her if I needed to apologize. Tiny things I'd do--if I'd look at someone wrong, etc--made me feel guilty. Some apologies were for things others didn't even notice. It was irritating to my family, and the apologies weren't necessarily sincere. I think my sister even yelled at me for not being sincere a few times. But the apologies were something I felt I had to do to appease God, my conscience, etc.

Along with this, I also went through a period where I was afraid that I what I said might be a lie. Someone might ask me if I had a good day, for example. Then I'd labor over my answer. Did I have a good day? It wasn't the BEST day I'd ever had, but it wasn't the WORST, either. Could I classify that as "good"? In this phase, I'd answer questions like that with, "Maybe, maybe not." Of course, this gave absolutely no information to the questioner, but it was the only answer that covered all my bases. Maybe I had a good day, maybe I didn't. Of course, I'm sure this was irritating to my family as well (though they are saints and put up with me). It was also no picnic for me.

The latter compulsion/obsession is something I'm currently struggling with to some extent. Someone may ask me, so, did you see the movie "Pretty Woman"? Well, I have never sat down and watched the whole thing beginning to end. But I think I did see a few minutes of it one time on TNT or something. So I can't really say, "No, I've never seen it," because I have technically seen some of it. (I think it had something to do with a hot tub or something.) But I've never seen the majority of it. So I can't really say, "Yes, I've seen it," because that may imply that I've seen the whole thing. Even if I say, "I've seen parts of it," the questioner may proceed to ask, "Oh, what parts?" By that time, the conversation on this subject has lasted longer than the part of the movie I've seen, so really, we've both wasted 2 minutes of our lives that we can never get back.
(Note: Usually the laboring over answers happens when I talk to a friend or family member. With strangers or casual acquaintances, the pressure to say the exact truth isn't as high, so I don't have to stress out about it as much.)

Why do I have to labor over these things when other people don't? Well, that's the nature of OCD. I doubt whether I am being accurate, truthful, honest, etc. and this leads to feeling guilty for things that 'normal' people don't feel guilty for. Then that leads to frustration, anger at the OCD and at friends/family members. Sometimes I get so frustrated I just think, "Screw it. I'm going to answer this question, and I don't care if OCD tells me a lie." Other times, I get frustrated and obsess over it. It's the nature of the beast. And it's tiring. But it's OCD. What can you do.

I, for one, would suggest ditching "Pretty Woman" and put on some "Monty Python". I've seen that ALL the way through.


...Or have I? :)