The first time I remember OCD affecting my writing was in sixth grade (approx. 13 years ago). Certain letters had special significance. The letter "d" represented my dad and "m" represented my mom. (Those were two of the big ones. There were more, I'm sure, like "j" for my sister's name or "g" for my grandma, but these are the two I remember best.) I had to make sure that I wrote the letters right, so nothing bad happened to Mom and Dad. This was especially hard with the "m"s. The letter "d" is a closed letter, but I didn't want anything to violate the "m" (which has two open spaces on the bottom), so I had to be careful that a letter with a protruding top wasn't right under the "m". By protruding top, I mean tall letters like l, t, h, etc. I don't remember exactly, but I think other letters had significance (like "h" could represent hell, or "s" could represent Satan), so I'd have to make sure that those letters weren't right under the "m"s or "d"s either. I scribbled out so many things in my writing. I would take notes in class, but they were so messy that I would borrow my friend's notes to recopy them at home.
In a Bible class (I went to a Christian school), we had to keep a devotional journal. There were times when my journals were just a few letters with some scribbles. I knew what I meant, but no one else could--I couldn't write legibly because I couldn't "get it right" with all the rules OCD put on my writing. My teacher confronted me about the messy, nonsense entries. I was so embarrassed. I hadn't been diagnosed with OCD at this point, so I just thought it was me being crazy or quirky.
It didn't help either throughout the years when overzealous people like teachers or youth leaders wanted to show us videos of things that were "evil". One time in Sunday school we watched a video about Halloween. It showed evil symbols, witches, etc. One of the symbols was an upside-down cross. Great. From then on I had to make sure that the cross of my "t"s was above the middle of the vertical "t" line so that it wouldn't look like an upside-down cross.
The simple act of writing something on a piece of paper became a frustrating and challenging exercise because of all the baggage the OCD added to the letters.
My troubles with writing continue to this day. Not necessarily the same specific troubles I had 13 years ago, but the trouble of having to scribble out and rewrite things if I don't "feel" right when I write them. "C"s sometimes give me trouble. "C" could stand for "Christ" or it could stand for "curse". I have to feel like I'm writing it right, or I have to scribble it out and start over. This could also happen if I have a bad thought or something while I'm writing. I'm afraid that if I don't go back and re-write it, I'll be cursing God, or doing some other bad thing.
Sounds affect this compulsion, too. If I hear a sound that sets me off while I'm writing (like someone chonking gum, or making noises with their mouth), I'll have to scribble out whatever I'm writing and re-write it. I've had to do that a lot in the past when I took sermon notes at church.
Besides scribbling out letters, I've also had to scribble things like bullet points or dashes out. Really--how can you mess up a dot or a dash? **Sigh**
Even typing is not exempt from the shackles of OCD. Sometimes I have to type a letter or punctuation mark a certain number of times, or erase what I've typed if, for example, a noise sets me off. I should note that these compulsions aren't' debilitating--I can still function, but they are freaking frustrating and add more stress to my life.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Monday, January 22, 2007
Issues with Issues
For most people, reading a magazine is an easy, enjoyable activity. For me, however, it's not easy. In a previous post, I mentioned fear of sexual contamination by people of the same gender as I am. This carries over into other areas of life, not just with hand-washing. For example, if I'm reading a magazine that has a picture of someone of my gender, I usually won't go to the next page unless I look at a picture (on that page) of someone of the opposite gender, or if there isn't anyone, I will count to six on the same-gender person's facial features. This little ritual is to "undo" any possibility of gay-ness I might worry about if a same-gendered person's picture is the last picture I look at before I go to the next page. I usually do this by looking at the mouth (count 1), nose (count 2), eyes (count 3 and 4) and eyebrows (count 5 and 6). If there IS an opposite-gender person on the page, I'll look at them last and count to ten (a good number) on them: mouth (count 1), nose (count 2), eyes (count 3 and 4) and eyebrows (count 5 and 6), ears (count 7 and 8) , the front of the head (count 9), and the back of the head (count 10). This is also the case when I look at pictures on websites, like when MSNBC.com has pictures of celebrity sightings, etc. See how this could get frustrating and not at all relaxing?
The problem is, I want to read the magazines/websites. So I endure all these rituals.
The problem is, I want to read the magazines/websites. So I endure all these rituals.
Friday, January 19, 2007
De-Penned On Me
OK. The pen is in the trash. I just threw it away. And I'm going to wait until I get home from work to wash my hands. I'm not really freaking out right now, so that's good!
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Small Victories
Yesterday my OCD was a little better than normal. I actually did some creative stuff without quite as much stress. The art project I'm working on requires a shellac-type substance that I brush on. Usually I'd have to do some of the brushing in sets of 4, or until it felt right. The project also involves stuff I cut out from magazines. Again, I have compulsions regarding how many times I cut an item. Happily, there were times yesterday when I was able to "just do" something and not give in to a compulsion I usually would have had.
Today I've been a little more unsuccessful than yesterday, but what can you do. Ups and downs are part of life.
I still haven't touched my pen.
Today I've been a little more unsuccessful than yesterday, but what can you do. Ups and downs are part of life.
I still haven't touched my pen.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
I'm Too Sexy For My Pen
I avoided touching my pen all day. Even trying to throw it away would probably make me feel like washing my hands, and really, why add more stress to my day?
Monday, January 8, 2007
Stop Touching My Pen!
Well, it was bound to happen again sooner or later. My supervisor touched my freaking pen again. I haven't touched my pen since. At first I thought my supervisor was coming over to show me something online. I quickly put my hand on my mouse, so my supervisor wouldn't try to use it. But she got me. She went for the pen. It's always the pen. I need to start keeping it hidden, and have a 'decoy' pen out for her to use. Maybe I'll be brave and still use it instead of throwing it away.
This weekend was good and stressful at the same time. I really had the counting thing going. I hate having to do all that counting. On the bright side, though, I did do some art. It's a painting/collage type thing, and I think it turned out well. As fun as art it, it's also frustrating. I count certain brush strokes, cut paper a certain amount of times, and have to throw out supplies if I feel they are contaminated. Part of my picture included some glitzy rhinestones, and it was a pain in the butt to choose which ones to use. They had to "feel" right. Grrr. But, the picture is done, and I'd actually like to start on another one. My love of making art trumps my OCD frustration.
This weekend was good and stressful at the same time. I really had the counting thing going. I hate having to do all that counting. On the bright side, though, I did do some art. It's a painting/collage type thing, and I think it turned out well. As fun as art it, it's also frustrating. I count certain brush strokes, cut paper a certain amount of times, and have to throw out supplies if I feel they are contaminated. Part of my picture included some glitzy rhinestones, and it was a pain in the butt to choose which ones to use. They had to "feel" right. Grrr. But, the picture is done, and I'd actually like to start on another one. My love of making art trumps my OCD frustration.
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Count On It
One of the symptoms I usually hide (but that takes up much of my time) is counting. With my OCD, there are "good" numbers and "bad" numbers. I mentioned before that I grew up in a Christian home, so a lot of my "good" and "bad" numbers stems from the Bible and my spiritual beliefs. Some of the good and bad numbers have changed over the years--they're not necessarily static. Here's a list of some of my good and bad numbers, and reasons why.
1 - Good number, for example, because there is 1 God.
2 - It varies back and forth. Some times it plays into my fears of sexual contamination because it could represent two people or two same-sex people.
3 - Good number. The Trinity has 3 parts.
4 - This is one of my favorite numbers, and I don't really know why. But it's very safe, and very popular in my counting.
5 - It used to be bad, since there are 5 star points on the pentagram, but now it can be good, since we have 5 fingers/toes on our hands/feet, and God made them.
6 - Used to be a bad number because of its connection with the mark of the beast, but now it's kind of OK.
7 - Often called the "perfect" number. This number is good, but I don't use it that often in my counting, since in my OCD brain it's a more "holy" number, and I don't want to use it for fear of doing something bad with it.
8 - Used to be bad because a spider has 8 legs, and spiders can represent Halloween and evil. But now it's actually a good number.
9 - This is kind of along the lines as the number 7. The Trinity has 3 parts, and there are three 3s in 9, so that makes it especially "holy".
10 - Ten is a good number for me.
11 - Falls in the same category as the number 2, since adding its numbers together equals 2.
12 - Twelve is in a similar category as 7 and 9, since 12 is the number of Jesus + the 11 good disciples (Judas Iscariot was not good).
13 - Surprisingly, 13 is a good number. I'm not superstitious in the typical ways you'd think. Also, adding the numbers together is 4, a good number.
14 - This number would pretty much be equal to the number 5, since that's the total if you add the letters together.
You can pretty much work up from there by adding the numbers together and referring back to this list.
(Note: as a courtesy to other OCDers who may be reading this, I ended the list on 14 instead of 13, so as not to inspire stress if 13 is a bad number for you, since 13 is a popular bad number).
Now for the counting.
I count a lot of things. I count when I wash my hands. If the soap is pump-style, I usually do one set of 2 squirts of soap on my hands, then one set of 2 squirts of soap to wash up on my arm (to about mid-forearm on my right hand, since it is my wiping hand), then at least two sets of 2 more squirts of soap to clean my hands again.
If the soap is bar soap, I'll usually stick it in the stream of water 4 times before I wash my hands, 4 times before I wash up on my arm, and at least 2 sets of 4 times to wash my hands again, followed by 1 final time in the stream of water before I put the soap back. Sometimes if I have a bad thought or if it doesn't fell "right", I'll have to do more sets of 4.
If you're reading this and you don't have OCD, you might think that people would consider me a freak. But I'm good at hiding this, and usually only do it in my head, or out loud when I'm alone. I hate that I have to count. It takes up time, and it's not fun. But there's a lot of things that OCD has me do that aren't fun.
On lighter note, I think it would be fun to do a Broadway show based on OCD. It could be called "Night at the Soap-a-cabana" or "Let Me Count the Ways". Yeah? No? :)
1 - Good number, for example, because there is 1 God.
2 - It varies back and forth. Some times it plays into my fears of sexual contamination because it could represent two people or two same-sex people.
3 - Good number. The Trinity has 3 parts.
4 - This is one of my favorite numbers, and I don't really know why. But it's very safe, and very popular in my counting.
5 - It used to be bad, since there are 5 star points on the pentagram, but now it can be good, since we have 5 fingers/toes on our hands/feet, and God made them.
6 - Used to be a bad number because of its connection with the mark of the beast, but now it's kind of OK.
7 - Often called the "perfect" number. This number is good, but I don't use it that often in my counting, since in my OCD brain it's a more "holy" number, and I don't want to use it for fear of doing something bad with it.
8 - Used to be bad because a spider has 8 legs, and spiders can represent Halloween and evil. But now it's actually a good number.
9 - This is kind of along the lines as the number 7. The Trinity has 3 parts, and there are three 3s in 9, so that makes it especially "holy".
10 - Ten is a good number for me.
11 - Falls in the same category as the number 2, since adding its numbers together equals 2.
12 - Twelve is in a similar category as 7 and 9, since 12 is the number of Jesus + the 11 good disciples (Judas Iscariot was not good).
13 - Surprisingly, 13 is a good number. I'm not superstitious in the typical ways you'd think. Also, adding the numbers together is 4, a good number.
14 - This number would pretty much be equal to the number 5, since that's the total if you add the letters together.
You can pretty much work up from there by adding the numbers together and referring back to this list.
(Note: as a courtesy to other OCDers who may be reading this, I ended the list on 14 instead of 13, so as not to inspire stress if 13 is a bad number for you, since 13 is a popular bad number).
Now for the counting.
I count a lot of things. I count when I wash my hands. If the soap is pump-style, I usually do one set of 2 squirts of soap on my hands, then one set of 2 squirts of soap to wash up on my arm (to about mid-forearm on my right hand, since it is my wiping hand), then at least two sets of 2 more squirts of soap to clean my hands again.
If the soap is bar soap, I'll usually stick it in the stream of water 4 times before I wash my hands, 4 times before I wash up on my arm, and at least 2 sets of 4 times to wash my hands again, followed by 1 final time in the stream of water before I put the soap back. Sometimes if I have a bad thought or if it doesn't fell "right", I'll have to do more sets of 4.
If you're reading this and you don't have OCD, you might think that people would consider me a freak. But I'm good at hiding this, and usually only do it in my head, or out loud when I'm alone. I hate that I have to count. It takes up time, and it's not fun. But there's a lot of things that OCD has me do that aren't fun.
On lighter note, I think it would be fun to do a Broadway show based on OCD. It could be called "Night at the Soap-a-cabana" or "Let Me Count the Ways". Yeah? No? :)
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Healing Hands
My hands are healing.
One of my current OCD symptoms right now is hand-washing. It sucks. I guess I'll start right off with the embarrassing self-disclosure and tell you why I wash my hands so much. Keep in mind that OCD uses your deepest fears and beliefs against you (losing a family member, doing something against God, etc.). Here's why my hands get raw and bleed: I fear sexual contamination. Follow me here--my OCD tells me that if I touch a person of the same gender as I am (or an object that person has touched), I can be sexually contaminated if I don't wash my hands before I use the bathroom and wipe. That's why shaking hands with people of my gender stresses me out. That's why I am jumpy around my supervisor (who uses my freaking mouse and touches my pens. Do you know how many pens I've had to throw away in the past month???). That's why I get stressed out if my best friend happens to touch my hand while passing me something. I know it doesn't make sense. None of these things are sexual, so why do I feel like I would be contaminating myself? And it's only with people of my gender. The opposite gender doesn't freak me out at all. Heck, on Saturday I kissed a person I'd known for less than an hour (NOTE: I don't usually do that. In my defense, though, this person was European. And had an accent. Grrrrrrowl. :) ) I think a lot of this specific obsession has to do with my upbringing. I was raised in a Christian home (that I wouldn't trade for the world). Most of the people I interacted with would not approve of homosexuality. (I say this to help you understand my fears, not to pass judgement.) So what does my OCD do? It takes a fear like being ostracized from the community for being gay (even though I'm not gay) and uses it in my obsessions and compulsions.
It's extremely frustrating, because I can't even interact with my best friend like I'd like to. I want to show friendly affection to people--a hug, a pat on the arm, etc., but I either can't do it, or can't do it without being stressed out. I NEED affection, but so often I can't give it or accept it without a huge amount of anxiety.
Back to my hands. Because of the above mentioned fear, I am constantly washing my hands to avoid sexual contamination. My feelings of contamination don't even have to come directly from the same-gendered person directly. Sometimes I feel contaminated if I touch a spot on my couch that a same-gendered person sat on months ago. Handling a cup that I touched after I touched a gift bag that a same-gendered friend touched can make me feel contaminated. And so I wash. And wash. And wash. My hands get chapped, sometimes crack and bleed, and still I can't stop.
But this weekend helped, because I was sleeping a lot--if I'm sleeping, I'm not washing. I also used a really good moisturizer. My hands actually look halfway normal. For that, I am thankful.
One of my current OCD symptoms right now is hand-washing. It sucks. I guess I'll start right off with the embarrassing self-disclosure and tell you why I wash my hands so much. Keep in mind that OCD uses your deepest fears and beliefs against you (losing a family member, doing something against God, etc.). Here's why my hands get raw and bleed: I fear sexual contamination. Follow me here--my OCD tells me that if I touch a person of the same gender as I am (or an object that person has touched), I can be sexually contaminated if I don't wash my hands before I use the bathroom and wipe. That's why shaking hands with people of my gender stresses me out. That's why I am jumpy around my supervisor (who uses my freaking mouse and touches my pens. Do you know how many pens I've had to throw away in the past month???). That's why I get stressed out if my best friend happens to touch my hand while passing me something. I know it doesn't make sense. None of these things are sexual, so why do I feel like I would be contaminating myself? And it's only with people of my gender. The opposite gender doesn't freak me out at all. Heck, on Saturday I kissed a person I'd known for less than an hour (NOTE: I don't usually do that. In my defense, though, this person was European. And had an accent. Grrrrrrowl. :) ) I think a lot of this specific obsession has to do with my upbringing. I was raised in a Christian home (that I wouldn't trade for the world). Most of the people I interacted with would not approve of homosexuality. (I say this to help you understand my fears, not to pass judgement.) So what does my OCD do? It takes a fear like being ostracized from the community for being gay (even though I'm not gay) and uses it in my obsessions and compulsions.
It's extremely frustrating, because I can't even interact with my best friend like I'd like to. I want to show friendly affection to people--a hug, a pat on the arm, etc., but I either can't do it, or can't do it without being stressed out. I NEED affection, but so often I can't give it or accept it without a huge amount of anxiety.
Back to my hands. Because of the above mentioned fear, I am constantly washing my hands to avoid sexual contamination. My feelings of contamination don't even have to come directly from the same-gendered person directly. Sometimes I feel contaminated if I touch a spot on my couch that a same-gendered person sat on months ago. Handling a cup that I touched after I touched a gift bag that a same-gendered friend touched can make me feel contaminated. And so I wash. And wash. And wash. My hands get chapped, sometimes crack and bleed, and still I can't stop.
But this weekend helped, because I was sleeping a lot--if I'm sleeping, I'm not washing. I also used a really good moisturizer. My hands actually look halfway normal. For that, I am thankful.
And So It Begins
To the casual observer, I look pretty normal. Friendly, talkative, humorous--that's who I am, and that's the persona I project. My family and friends know, however, that behind these public traits I have a dark struggle that torments me everyday.
I have OCD.
OCD stands for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. These three letters have woven themselves deep into the fabric of my life since grade school. It wasn't until high school that I even realized that my "quirkiness" had a name. Since then, I've learned much about the disorder and myself. But while medication and therapy have helped, my OCD is never really gone.
If you are not familiar with OCD, Wikipedia has a good article about it. Some of the more important information is as follows:
I have OCD.
OCD stands for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. These three letters have woven themselves deep into the fabric of my life since grade school. It wasn't until high school that I even realized that my "quirkiness" had a name. Since then, I've learned much about the disorder and myself. But while medication and therapy have helped, my OCD is never really gone.
If you are not familiar with OCD, Wikipedia has a good article about it. Some of the more important information is as follows:
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder; more specifically, it is an anxiety disorder. OCD is manifested in a variety of forms, but it is most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive, distressing, intrusive thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions....
...The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing distress or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts either are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent or are clearly excessive....
...The typical OCD sufferer performs tasks (or compulsions) to seek relief from obsession-related anxiety. To others, these tasks may appear odd and unnecessary. But for the sufferer, such tasks can feel critically important, and must be performed in particular ways to ward off dire consequences and to stop the stress from building up. Examples of these tasks: repeatedly checking that one's parked car has been locked before leaving it; turning lights on and off a set number of times before exiting a room; repeatedly washing hands at regular intervals throughout the day.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder. (2007, January 1). In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 17:02, January 2, 2007, from
http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Obsessive-compulsive_disorder&oldid=97821756
Many of the symptoms I have are frustrating and embarrassing. But I want to share them on this blog. (By staying anonymous, it will be easier for me to reveal these very private struggles.) Maybe you or someone you know has OCD. Maybe you thought you were the only one who had such embarrassing OCD symptoms. But maybe, just maybe, by seeing some of my hidden secrets, you'll realize that what you considered "strange" isn't so very strange after all.
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