I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I've been unemployed for the last six months. The economy in my state (**cough** Michigan **cough**) is really crappy right now, so good jobs have been hard to come by. It stinks to have little money, lots of debt, and an uncertain job future.
It stinks even more to add OCD to this mess. After my OCD finally caught on to the fact that I was not waking up at unrighteous hours of the morning to trudge to work, I'm almost certain I heard it exclaim (with a certain amount of glee), "Yay! Now we have MORE quality time together!" And so we did. My OCD has become more pronounced in the past six months, mostly because I have much more time to dwell on and carry out the obsessions and compulsions. Whereas I might shrug off compulsions at work because I didn't have time, NOW I do have time. So why not spend that 15 minutes washing my hands? Why not spend a few more hours doing laundry? Why not spend more time reciting things out loud to ward off bad thoughts or perceived danger to others? Indeed, why not. So I have been doing those things.
It's kind of funny. When I'm in public, you'd never know I had OCD. If I didn't know you, and we went out for coffee or lunch, you'd have no idea that there was anything different about me. I'm good at hiding my OCD when it can reflect badly on me. But when I get home and I'm alone, watch out. If there were a hidden camera in my apartment, you'd see a completely different side of me. Washing, touching things, rotating cups and bottles, eating a certain number of chips or cookies, reciting things - these are things you'd see me do. And since I'm home much more now, I do all these things much more, too.
One of my most prominent obsessions/compulsions lately has to do with my bathroom. I mentioned in a previous post that one of my worries is sexual contamination from females. Lately, my apartment has been pretty clean (an accomplishment, I assure you), so a good female friend of mine has visited. She used my bathroom a few times, so now whenever I use the bathroom, I get stressed out. When I use the toilet and wipe, my hand comes pretty close to the toilet seat. This stresses me out because she has touched the toilet seat. When I wash my hands, I know that she has also touched the sink and maybe even leaned against the counter. This stresses me out and has led to many 5+ minute hand washings. I go through a bar of soap about every 1.5 days. Luckily it's Ivory, so washing doesn't chap my hands. (Look! Product placement! Hey Ivory, how about a free case?! And if that works, I'd like to say how much I enjoy the fuel-efficiency and earth-friendliness of the Toyota Prius...)
Because of this latest obsession, I put off going to the bathroom until I have to. (Because when push comes to shove, I'd rather wash my hands than the couch.) I have amazing bladder tolerance, but I know it can't be that healthy. But you'd probably put off something too, if doing that thing meant intense mental discomfort and anxiety. (Taxes, anyone?)
And now the good news. I am starting a new job today, so the time I spend at home will be drastically reduced. I will be a server in a high-end restaurant, so I'm sure I'll be too busy and too image-conscious to give in to OCD much at work.
So there you go. If you have OCD and are currently unemployed or spend a lot of time at home, I can empathize with you. If you have OCD and hide it in public, but then battle with it when you get home, I can empathize with you. And if you work at Toyota, I can give you my delivery address if you happen to have an extra Magnetic Gray Metallic (or any color, really) Prius laying around...
Monday, November 5, 2007
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8 comments:
Congratulations on the restaurant job!Money is always good! I think it will keep your OCD at bay for a while,(being in a new environment with new people). And I guess if you're anything like me you will be trying very hard to appear "normal". As you said, one gets good at hiding one's OCD. That said, I have been rather fortunate in that I have a very supportive work environment. Full of wacky, intelligent and creative people. So I don't even try hide some things now - They are used to me saying: "I promise I'll click this icon on the computer only once" and other OCD mantra-type things I have developed. They know I have an intense fear of broken glass. And If I say "no" aloud to the thoughts in my head to avert a intergalactic cosmic disaster while I click my mouse thinking only pure thoughts, Brent sitting next to me will laughingly say "yes". And hell keep saying it till I stop saying "no" and start laughing! Anyway I just wanted to say Hi and that I hope your new job works out as well as mine has.
Congratulations on the job :) I know that getting up for work each day helps keep the depression at bay. It is good to have something that gives the days structure and forced me to get out the house. I hope that it works out and that the rich people tip well!
Have you ever heard of EFT? The website is www.emofree.com
it's has helped me with a lot of anxiety and OCD, but it takes a lot of work
you can download and manual for free and you get e-mails frequently with case studies
I found the case studies to be most heldful
it's worth it
Hi i'm anna, i left a comment on a previous entry you did. You said you'd like to know how my OCD started, i sent you an email explaining it about a week or so ago but haven't had any reply. Did you get it?! Thanks
I totally get you. I was just on maternity leave for 14 weeks and it wasn't until last week that I realized finally that I have OCD. Nobody in my life away from home has a clue I do some of these OCD things but my husband has always been telling me I do. Now that we know for sure (diagnosed) it's like a joke for now. We'll see. Not sure what I am going to do about it.
I understand exactly what your talking about!
I was out of work for an entire year...everything was magnified times a million!! Now that I started working again, almost 2 mths ago, I'm opposite of OCD..wierd!!!
this is a really great blog. ocd runs in my family and i seem to have a lot ofmagical thinking tendencies, but less of the hand washing sort, overtly at least.
i am really impressed with your writing skills and abilty to explain these very abstract feelings. perhaps it is easiest for those who understand them to read, but i am doubly amazed at how perceptive you are of yourself, and how that awareness doesnt exactly 'cure' you. i have felt that about myself too. it makes life frustrating, but you can almost entertain yourself if you look at it in a certain way, at certain angle. anyway, i hope you find a career in writing and psychology. i think you have a great deal of talent.
i also want to ask, do you ever draw parellels between what you go through as a person and the way our culture reacts to 'life' and existence. like the post about feeling angry at inanimate objects and ludditism, and the feeling that other peoples well being is in your hand and religions trying to save people. anyway, there is a lot to think about there.
when i was little, i used to have to pray over and over that eveyone i knew esp my family (or was it wrong to think esp my family) would be safe, and happy and healthy and..what if i forgot something? i would feel very anxious and guilty about leaving any person or positive feeling out. later in life, i felt compelled to repeat patterns of behaviour that i had on a 'good day' in order to reproduce those good feelings. outfits, hair parting, order inwhich i ate breakfast, time at which i used the bathroom. if i found that i went off course, i got a creepy feeling and dreadfully awaited gloomy depression. in fact, sometimes it feels like certain rituals in my thinking have to do with trying to stave off depression.
other times it is pure fear. like tonight, i ordered some chinese food. then for some reason i kept picturing myself slipping down the stairs when it came to my door. i was wearing socks. i should put on shoes, what if that doesnt help? over and over i felt the jump in my heart of slipping and falling, and i had to make a 'plan' of how to not fall.
actually though, it surpirises me that we everyone doesnt worry about this stuff!!
I want to say congrats, I have O.C.D to but I cant hold a job and want to but it stresses me out im really scared that ill never be able to Every time I work I quit or get fired cuz I think I left something on or unlocked. sorry im freaking out goodluck though and if anyone has advise for me great
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