There comes a time in every person's life when they must ask themselves a very important question: "Why am I sitting in front of the computer with no clothes on?"
A very important question, to be sure. (And no, the answer does not involve Internet porn.) When I asked myself this important question just minutes ago, the answer was simple: OCD. For some months now, my OCD has been telling me that certain just-washed things are contaminated. Yesterday while looking in the dryer for a t-shirt to wear to bed, I was overwhelmed with that certain "OCD" feeling - you know what it's like: anxiousness, stress, impulse - that made me feel like the shirt that I just pulled out of the dryer was contaminated. Not by chemicals, germs, or anything like that - just by my thought that it might be contaminated. Just the thought of it being contaminated made it seem to my mind as if it was. A stronger person perhaps might have been able to resist the impulse. Many of our OCD impulses go away or lessen considerably if we just delay the doing of the compulsion that our obsessions cause. But I became stressed quickly, and gave in. I threw the clean, dry t-shirt in the dirty laundry pile and grabbed another shirt.
Today, the bedclothes I actually wore last night were thrown in the dirty clothes pile not long after I got up. They were not "dirty" in the classical sense. But into the pile they went anyway. But now what would I wear tonight? No problem - I had a similar pair of pajama bottoms and another shirt to wear. Both clean. But wait - crap. Now I "felt" like those pajama bottoms were contaminated. In fact, I felt like all the clothes in the clean clothes basket with the clean pajama bottoms must be washed again. No one touched them but me. But the feeling was overwhelming, even after I called my Dad and asked him (as I always do - perhaps to the detriment of my recovery, but dangit, he's so nice about it) for reassurance. So, I packed up all my clothes from the clean basket, the dirty pile, and the ones in the dryer, and stuffed them into the washing machine. Then I took off the clothes I was wearing. (After all, they felt contaminated now.) So into the washer went my capris, my tank top, and my undergarments. I had, for the moment, given in to my OCD.
Failure is never fun. Yes, I feel better that my clothes will soon be clean, but who's to say they're not going to also feel contaminated this time I remove them from the dryer? That is the horrid cycle of OCD. I'm not afraid to say it. I have had some spectacular (or so they felt) wins. Golden moments when I have soared on the wings of conquest around the golden sun of victory. And then tonight, like Icarus, I have considered soaring, perhaps even gotten into the air a bit, then lost altitude, crashing into a cow pasture onto a steaming mound of OCD and drawn-out analogy.
On the upside, since I've started writing this entry, my clothes have finished in the washer and are now in the dryer. I'm going to wear the first pajama bottoms and t-shirt that I pull out of that dryer. That's my plan of action. Tomorrow is a new day, filled with the possibility of more victory, less laundry, and better analogies than tonight.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
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11 comments:
Hey ocdblogger,
This is Sally again. I wasn't made aware of my OCD until I was an adult. Unfortunately, I was misdiagnosed by the numerous psychiatrists and therapists my parents sent me to. Back then, not much was known about OCD. I was watching TV one day, and they were talking about OCD and then that's when I realized that was what I had been suffering from all these years. You write that in your post, a stronger person might have been able to resist the impulse, but maybe you ARE that strong. The only way to beat OCD is to resist those impulses no matter how strong. That's how I overcame my OCD. People who suffer from OCD are in the habit of performing rituals. Well, they can also get in the habit of NOT performing rituals. Little by little, you need to break the habits and not give into the impulses. That's how I did it and conquered OCD. I suffered from it severely as a teen and the only person who helped me was me. Good luck and look forward to your next post.
Hi
Sorry to hear about your little setback. I know what it is like to conquer and to be conquered by the OCD. I try to pick myself up as soon as possible after giving in. We will lose some and we will win some. I guess that we just need to perservere until we get to the point that we win more than we lose. Hope that the few weeks since the post have gone better!
I do the laundry thing too! I have to shower before I do my laundry so that I do not contaminate my clean clothes. And as soon as I take clothes out of the dryer, if they so much as touch anything except my bed (where I fold them) I put them back in the dirty laundry pile. I think my roommate thinks I'm crazy. My boyfriend doesn't get it. I know that they're not dirty. So why do they have to be rewashed? Because I can see the contamination on them...can feel it. I am afraid that one day, maybe soon, my fear of contamination will keep me from leading a 'normal' life. Thoughts?
I just posted under the name 'anonymous' but really, I have posted here before. I am the senior in high school who has been struggling with OCD most of her life. I recently bought a wonderful book--"Freedom from OCD"--and called a therapist/psychiatrist. I want to try a combo of medication and CBT. I know this probably sounds like the most ridiculous thing but OCD becomes a comfort after a while. Once you become comfortable with your rituals and the reassurance that they provide you (however fleeting), it becomes easy to rationalize them. I see people eating without washing their hands, or I see my friends use bleach and then not wash their hands and I think to myself "Oh, they're stupid, they don't realize how dangerous that is." But really, it's not. They are going to be fine. I haven't sat on the couch in my dorm room for 2 months because it is contaminated, or so I believe. Today, my roomate sat on my bed after sitting on the couch and I immediately decided to wash my bedsheets. I justified it to myself by saying that it is healthy to wash your sheets every week or so. But I washed them only a few days ago. I hate that I can't be a normal college kid and be dirty and not care. My friends wait weeks before doing their laundry. If I re-wear anything it sends me into an automatic panic attack. My hands are dry and cracked and I have wasted so much money in the past months replacing thing that were 'contaminated.' I want to have one night of normalcy, one night when the thought of death from contamination doesn't occur to me. I have found this blog really helpful because it helps me realize how this is not my fault and that many people suffer the way I do. Of course, I don't wish suffering like this on anyone, but still, it's slightly comforting. As much as I feel like OCD is something I can conquer and overcome, don't you eve just feel like giving in and washing your hands?
By the way, I won't go by anonymous anymore, just Greta.
hey sorry, greta again, I meant senior in college, not high school...sorry!
Have you tried hanging up your clothes in a closet?
Sounds weird, but I feel that the cootie feeling won't get to me if my clothes are no where near the floor...it's the hanger...there's something about the hanger. I understand you, TOTALLY!!!
reading your blog helps and frustrates me. so many people think OCD is just hand washing and perhaps counting. while i count (only in my head though) the worst parts of OCD for me are just the terrible thoughts i think about what i'm going to do to the people i love and care for. it's happened more than once when i felt comfortable enough with a person to tell them about my OCD they wouldn't believe i had OCD because i wasn't obsessive about cleaning my hands. i wish people would stop being so thick headed.
Sally - Thank you for your encouraging post. What you say is true - I am strong enough. I have the strength to resist, I just need to learn how to exercise my strength. Do you still have your obsessions and compulsions, or have those faded since you have practiced not giving in to them? I'm interested in how you did that, and what you had to tell yourself (inner monologue, or encouraging thoguhts) to beat OCD, if you'd like to share!
andrew - Thank you for your encouraging words as well! The past week or two has actually gotten better - I've been able to resist some of my compulsions, and shorten the duration of others.
greta - Thank you for sharing your experience with OCD! I definitely empathize with the laundry thing, and the "feeling" that something is contaminated. I need to check out that book, "Freedom From OCD." Thank you for mentioning it.
What you said about OCD becoming a comfort is not ridiculous. It is actually very wise that you recognize that. Just as someone can hide behind or find comfort in food, weight, alcohol, etc., I can definitely see where OCD could become a comfort!
And I also can relate to replacing things. I don't know how many pens, paper, and other household things I've thrown away and had to replace through the years. It can get really expensive.
And I absolutely feel like giving in and washing my hands or whatever the compulsion is. I do it quite a lot. I guess the goal is, like andrew said, to have more ups than downs, and even get to the point like sally where you've conquered it! I'm very far from conquering it, but I have hope!
amber - Thank you for the suggestion! And thank you for sharing that you understand. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles in this area!
anonymous - Thank you for your comment. You are very right. OCD is so much more than just washing and counting. I think the washing and counting symptoms you mentioned are talked about more because it's easier for people without OCD to understand, and it can be easier for people with OCD to talk about. It is much less embarrassing to talk about soap than it is to talk about fears of sexual contamination, fears of insulting God, or fears of hurting someone by not hanging a belt up right.
That doesn't make it easy for us, though. I'm sorry that you had to go through the frustration of having someone doubt your OCD because you didn't exhibit the more "popular" symptoms.
I am also trying with this blog to reveal my obsessions and compulsions - some that do, and some that don't have to do with the "typical" OCD struggles. It seems I have quite a bit of each! I hope that the people in your life are supportive, and appreciate the honor that you bestow on them by sharing such an intimate part of yourself with them.
I know just what you mean about the laundry.
I have a specific problem that has to do with the top of the dryer. The cat likes to sleep there, particularly when it's running and toasty-warm, and she doesn't hesitate to push clean laundry off to make more room for herself. Sometimes it's clean, folded laundry, waiting to be put away; sometimes it's clean, wet laundry waiting for the dryer. Either way, if it hits the floor, it's contaminated. Mainly because every once in a while there's a nugget of tracked kitty litter in the carpet nearby.
Anything that hits the floor gets thrown back in the washer and washed again. The floor is vacuumed and inspected (more often than not, it was perfectly clean- I vacuum like my life depends on it). Sometimes that's not good enough and I wash everything again.
Then I think about the cat, and hair. I have a thing about hair. (I take a shower, wipe down the entire kitchen and use a hairnet before I cook). I start thinking about possible cat hair in the clothes. That usually makes me go back and wash anything else that might have been out and touched by the cat.
The handwashing is another thing altogether. Whenever I go to the doctor (which is a lot, I'm a cancer patient), the first place their eyes go is to my cracked, bleeding hands. I use Caress, which is supposedly a "moisturizing" soap. It doesn't moisturize so well when you're at it every time you think of contamination.
So, in short (I guess), behind you on the laundry thing 100%. I understand the thought process very well.
Hello. Just wanted to say it's about time I find a website with people that have OCD in the form that I do (the whole 'contamination' and 'laundry' factor...) Had it for about 14 years now but my parents don't even know about it - don't ask me how they didn't notice while I was growing up, I guess they were just in detail.
At this point I'm not embarrassed to say that all in all, mine is based on sexual contamination of sorts, but it still affects my laundry in the same way. If it hits the floor, it's dirty, if it touches anything contaminated it's dirty, if I even just think of it being dirty it's dirty (although I'm really starting to be able to control that factor). And worse of all for me, my bed is one of the most contaminated things, so nothing can touch it and I have to go straight from bed to the shower every morning so as to not 'contaminate' my car or my place of work (two areas that I've managed to keep almost completely dirt-free...)
Worst of all for me, is that I don't know that the things I think are dirty aren't actually dirty. Meaning there must be some germs, I just don't know how bad they are or how long they'll live for. Even though when it all comes down to it, I know that they won't hurt me no matter what....
As for the cracking dry hands, just as a hint even though I'm sure you all wish you just didn't have to wash your hands so much, as I wash mine a lot too, I use Dove liquid soap (seems to help - used to use Oil of Olay sensitive skin soap but they just took it off the market). That and Oatmeal lotion for my hands - Aveeno or a no-name similar brand. Works well and really, really relieves your skin, although can sometimes make it feel waxey, it's almost worth it for the relief.
I wish you all the best of luck and sorry to hear you're all going through the same things.......I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences! I can sooooo relate! My hands are cracked, dry and bleed sometimes. I work at a group home, and we are to clean/disinfect and wear gloves, etc. but I go WAY overboard! I'm always running to the hand sanitizer or sink. At home too I wash quite a bit. I'm always checking and rechecking to make sure the doors are locked or stove or hair straightener is turned off or unplugged- even though I know that it's already been done. I've worried about my clothes/shoes being contaminated too. I've been writing down little tips from you guys about resisting the impulse. I appreciate everyone's honesty!
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