When I was about junior high aged, one of my irrational fears was that I was pregnant. It was irrational because I was (and still am) a virgin. But I thought that if I did or didn't do certain things, that I would get pregnant. I remember at times being relieved when I started my period, because that meant I wasn't pregnant.
As with most parts of my OCD, my spiritual beliefs only exacerbated the stress. In the Old Testament of the Bible, there are verses relating to when a woman makes a vow. Here are some verses (Numbers 30:3-5, NIV):
3 "When a young woman still living in her father's house makes a vow to the LORD or obligates herself by a pledge 4 and her father hears about her vow or pledge but says nothing to her, then all her vows and every pledge by which she obligated herself will stand. 5 But if her father forbids her when he hears about it, none of her vows or the pledges by which she obligated herself will stand; the LORD will release her because her father has forbidden her."
Of course, no one heard me make these 'vows', so there was no one to release me from them. Thus, the vow would stand. I would make 'vows' like, "I vow that I am pregnant if I don't touch this wall 10 times." Of course, then the doubt would enter...did I touch the wall 10 times?, etc. I had a mantra that I would repeat: "Not pregnant no matter what." Sometimes it would be attached to a condition, such as, "Not pregnant no matter what, if I touch the table 10 times." Or, "Not pregnant no matter what, if I do or do not touch my pen 3 times." You see, I'd make counter-vows to make sure I wasn't going to get pregnant.
The funny thing is that even now, I still repeat the "Not pregnant no matter what" phrase under my breath or when I'm alone, but I no longer think I'm going to get pregnant. It's more like a representative phrase--I may repeat the "Not pregnant no matter what" when what I really am trying to stave off is the fear of cursing God, not of getting pregnant.
On a side note, the fear of getting pregnant affected my writing. For example, when you draw the letter 'o', sometimes where you start the 'o' and where you end it cross, so you have some of the line inside the 'o', like this:
I would have to rewrite or erase the lines that were inside the 'o', or else that meant pregnancy (you could think of the 'o' as a womb, and the line inside was the baby).
Isn't it funny how even the most irrational fears can have such a complicated, 'logical' structure?
7 comments:
Just found your blog.
I finally went to the doctor yesterday to discuss how depressed I've been and he suggested it was because of anxiety. Suddenly so much makes sense. Now I'm on the journey to getting better, which is a relief.
I understand the OCD thing too well- even the pregnancy without sex part- that worried me too. I'm more than twice your age, and I never had OCD to the level that you've described, but I have "grown out of" a lot of it. I found for myself that if I didn't do the ritual (standing on one foot while flushing the toilet, for example) and found that nothing terrible happened, I was able to free myself from lots of the behaviors over time. The more I gave into the OCD, the worse it became, and the less I gave into it, the less power it held over me.
Thank you so much for the posts- you're very courageous for writing about something that, for me, was a very private and embarassing secret.
Thank you for sharing, and for your kind words! I'm so glad you are on the road to getting well!
It's kind of funny in a way...we all have these deep dark secrets--like the pregnancy fear--and we all think that it's just us, or that no one else has had those thoughts, when really many people feel that way! Thank you for your encouragement!
My friend sufferes from OCD as well, though most of the time he can keep it under control. He has a great sense of humor about it, which is a trait you seem to share. I've been putting some of his funnier stories up at The Jay Project.
I went to your site! I love the sense of humor you bring to Jay's OCD. Thanks for letting me know about The Jay Project!
Dear OCD blogger. I feared I was the only person with this particular irrational fear. I am a 21 year old female, and since I was diagnosed with OCD at age 13 one of my repeated fears/obsessions was the fear that I was pregnant even when I was a virgin. (Although I now am not I still obsess about being pregnant.) I am not sure why this particular fear keeps popping up or why it ever did in the first place. It re-assures me and makes me feel a lot better to know that I am not alone on this. My OCD at many times controlled my life and I feel it has wasted a lot of my energy. I hope to hear more from you soon.
-Anonymous
anonymous - I am so glad that I could give you some sort of comfort in knowing you are not alone. I know what you mean about OCD wasting a lot of your energy. I find that I sleep a LOT. Thank you for your thoughts!
I found this entry very amusing but calming to know that your mind works like mine.
As for your fear of being pregnant, I had similar fears, but instead of being pregnant it was getting someone else pregnant (I'm a male - if that needed any explanation). You never can be too careful is how I see it. Percentages mean nothing to me. Something could be 99.99% and it's that .01% that keeps me up at night, literally.
I still find myself turning the channel if I see a baby on the television, or avoiding certain foods that I know babies like (like arrowroot cookies). I have the idea that if I subject myself to visions of babies I'll increase the chances that someone I'm with will get pregnant. I even believed that it was paternal instinct kicking in for the reason that I wanted those arrowroot cookies. Needless to say I did not purchase them until I had calmed down (weeks later).
It really sucks how some of the simple pleasures in life are so torturous.
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