Guilty: True or False?

OCD has been called the "doubting disease". In addition to obsessions and compulsions, many people with OCD struggle with doubting themselves, their actions, etc. This can lead to all sorts of frustration and false guilt. I wasn't diagnosed with OCD until I was 17. That finally shed some light on the "strange" phases I'd gone through as a child. Many of these phases involved false guilt. OCD can make you feel bad about things that aren't wrong at all.

I remember going through a time when I was in grade school/junior high where I would apologize for everything. EVERYTHING. I didn't want to "sin" or do anything wrong so I'd apologize after fights with my sister (even though I have a right to feel angry), or apologize for other little things I can't recall now. I'd have little "confession sessions" with my Mom (mostly my Mom at that time) where I'd tell her things and apologize or ask her if I needed to apologize. Tiny things I'd do--if I'd look at someone wrong, etc--made me feel guilty. Some apologies were for things others didn't even notice. It was irritating to my family, and the apologies weren't necessarily sincere. I think my sister even yelled at me for not being sincere a few times. But the apologies were something I felt I had to do to appease God, my conscience, etc.

Along with this, I also went through a period where I was afraid that I what I said might be a lie. Someone might ask me if I had a good day, for example. Then I'd labor over my answer. Did I have a good day? It wasn't the BEST day I'd ever had, but it wasn't the WORST, either. Could I classify that as "good"? In this phase, I'd answer questions like that with, "Maybe, maybe not." Of course, this gave absolutely no information to the questioner, but it was the only answer that covered all my bases. Maybe I had a good day, maybe I didn't. Of course, I'm sure this was irritating to my family as well (though they are saints and put up with me). It was also no picnic for me.

The latter compulsion/obsession is something I'm currently struggling with to some extent. Someone may ask me, so, did you see the movie "Pretty Woman"? Well, I have never sat down and watched the whole thing beginning to end. But I think I did see a few minutes of it one time on TNT or something. So I can't really say, "No, I've never seen it," because I have technically seen some of it. (I think it had something to do with a hot tub or something.) But I've never seen the majority of it. So I can't really say, "Yes, I've seen it," because that may imply that I've seen the whole thing. Even if I say, "I've seen parts of it," the questioner may proceed to ask, "Oh, what parts?" By that time, the conversation on this subject has lasted longer than the part of the movie I've seen, so really, we've both wasted 2 minutes of our lives that we can never get back.
(Note: Usually the laboring over answers happens when I talk to a friend or family member. With strangers or casual acquaintances, the pressure to say the exact truth isn't as high, so I don't have to stress out about it as much.)

Why do I have to labor over these things when other people don't? Well, that's the nature of OCD. I doubt whether I am being accurate, truthful, honest, etc. and this leads to feeling guilty for things that 'normal' people don't feel guilty for. Then that leads to frustration, anger at the OCD and at friends/family members. Sometimes I get so frustrated I just think, "Screw it. I'm going to answer this question, and I don't care if OCD tells me a lie." Other times, I get frustrated and obsess over it. It's the nature of the beast. And it's tiring. But it's OCD. What can you do.

I, for one, would suggest ditching "Pretty Woman" and put on some "Monty Python". I've seen that ALL the way through.


...Or have I? :)