The first time I remember OCD affecting my writing was in sixth grade (approx. 13 years ago). Certain letters had special significance. The letter "d" represented my dad and "m" represented my mom. (Those were two of the big ones. There were more, I'm sure, like "j" for my sister's name or "g" for my grandma, but these are the two I remember best.) I had to make sure that I wrote the letters right, so nothing bad happened to Mom and Dad. This was especially hard with the "m"s. The letter "d" is a closed letter, but I didn't want anything to violate the "m" (which has two open spaces on the bottom), so I had to be careful that a letter with a protruding top wasn't right under the "m". By protruding top, I mean tall letters like l, t, h, etc. I don't remember exactly, but I think other letters had significance (like "h" could represent hell, or "s" could represent Satan), so I'd have to make sure that those letters weren't right under the "m"s or "d"s either. I scribbled out so many things in my writing. I would take notes in class, but they were so messy that I would borrow my friend's notes to recopy them at home.
In a Bible class (I went to a Christian school), we had to keep a devotional journal. There were times when my journals were just a few letters with some scribbles. I knew what I meant, but no one else could--I couldn't write legibly because I couldn't "get it right" with all the rules OCD put on my writing. My teacher confronted me about the messy, nonsense entries. I was so embarrassed. I hadn't been diagnosed with OCD at this point, so I just thought it was me being crazy or quirky.
It didn't help either throughout the years when overzealous people like teachers or youth leaders wanted to show us videos of things that were "evil". One time in Sunday school we watched a video about Halloween. It showed evil symbols, witches, etc. One of the symbols was an upside-down cross. Great. From then on I had to make sure that the cross of my "t"s was above the middle of the vertical "t" line so that it wouldn't look like an upside-down cross.
The simple act of writing something on a piece of paper became a frustrating and challenging exercise because of all the baggage the OCD added to the letters.
My troubles with writing continue to this day. Not necessarily the same specific troubles I had 13 years ago, but the trouble of having to scribble out and rewrite things if I don't "feel" right when I write them. "C"s sometimes give me trouble. "C" could stand for "Christ" or it could stand for "curse". I have to feel like I'm writing it right, or I have to scribble it out and start over. This could also happen if I have a bad thought or something while I'm writing. I'm afraid that if I don't go back and re-write it, I'll be cursing God, or doing some other bad thing.
Sounds affect this compulsion, too. If I hear a sound that sets me off while I'm writing (like someone chonking gum, or making noises with their mouth), I'll have to scribble out whatever I'm writing and re-write it. I've had to do that a lot in the past when I took sermon notes at church.
Besides scribbling out letters, I've also had to scribble things like bullet points or dashes out. Really--how can you mess up a dot or a dash? **Sigh**
Even typing is not exempt from the shackles of OCD. Sometimes I have to type a letter or punctuation mark a certain number of times, or erase what I've typed if, for example, a noise sets me off. I should note that these compulsions aren't' debilitating--I can still function, but they are freaking frustrating and add more stress to my life.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
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5 comments:
Thank you so much for your account. It will really help people understand the complexety of OCD
Glad I'm not the only one! I'm a huge English nerd, but writing in class always made me cringe. I hated having all that blank notebook paper, but when I tried to fill it up with text or doodles, they were never "just right." Oh, and for me the letter o represented my eyes, and if I didn't close the o completely, then something bad would happen to my eyes. How horrible is that?! So much stress in my grade school days.
anonymous - I certainly hope that it can help a lot of people! Thanks for taking a look and leaving a comment!
kel - You are definitely not the only one! I SO know what you mean about having a blank piece of paper, but then anything you write not feeling "just right". I know what you mean about the letter "o". I'm sorry you had to go through all that stress! I actually had a thing about the letter "o", too, but it had to do with worrying that I was pregnant (which was impossible since I was--and still am--a virgin. Actually, I think I might write a post about it. Thanks for reminding me!
A Tortured Mind Never Stops The Torture
I have brutal Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Now, I am on a new issue. I am obsessed with the temperature of our apartment. We have two older landlords who live above us who control the thermostat in our old radiator heated apartment. I have complained several times about the temperature in our living room being too low. They have acted as if they were going to make the necessary adjustments. They even bought us a thermometer as a measure of good faith. That was the worse thing they could have done. Well, afterward the temperature has still remained a few degrees too cold. Like around 67 when it should be at least 68 degrees. I again complained and again complained and the last time I complained the old guy got very annoyed and said maybe we had an incompatible relationship. Then, I got obsessed even worse and started sitting and staring at the thermometer day after day. Then my girlfriend started to get angry that I have been in a perpetual daze staring at the thermometer and thinking about nothing else other then my other problem which is that I cannot complet a sneeze which is a subject for another day. Anyway, she also told me not to write anymore notes or call the landlords again. Meanwhile, I cannot get the temperature off my mind. It's exactly like a dog barking, or loud music playing, or a door slamming or other similar things that I have gotten obsessed about in the past. I feel powerless about being unable to resolve what I cannot control so I am tormented by it.
Posted by David at 8:24 AM
www.cashguy1111.blogspot.com
I've had OCD all of my life. The letter "d" is still hard for me because it is the first level of devil. It's so weird. Thanks for this blog. It's so hard to talk to people about OCD. I had an ex-boyfriend tell me I was crazy. My work life is not supportive. I used to have lots of problems driving because I was afraid I'd hit someone walking on the side of the road at night. I find it gets worse if I don't get a lot of sleep. Pls keep up your blog.
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