Healing Hands

My hands are healing.

One of my current OCD symptoms right now is hand-washing. It sucks. I guess I'll start right off with the embarrassing self-disclosure and tell you why I wash my hands so much. Keep in mind that OCD uses your deepest fears and beliefs against you (losing a family member, doing something against God, etc.). Here's why my hands get raw and bleed: I fear sexual contamination. Follow me here--my OCD tells me that if I touch a person of the same gender as I am (or an object that person has touched), I can be sexually contaminated if I don't wash my hands before I use the bathroom and wipe. That's why shaking hands with people of my gender stresses me out. That's why I am jumpy around my supervisor (who uses my freaking mouse and touches my pens. Do you know how many pens I've had to throw away in the past month???). That's why I get stressed out if my best friend happens to touch my hand while passing me something. I know it doesn't make sense. None of these things are sexual, so why do I feel like I would be contaminating myself? And it's only with people of my gender. The opposite gender doesn't freak me out at all. Heck, on Saturday I kissed a person I'd known for less than an hour (NOTE: I don't usually do that. In my defense, though, this person was European. And had an accent. Grrrrrrowl. :) ) I think a lot of this specific obsession has to do with my upbringing. I was raised in a Christian home (that I wouldn't trade for the world). Most of the people I interacted with would not approve of homosexuality. (I say this to help you understand my fears, not to pass judgement.) So what does my OCD do? It takes a fear like being ostracized from the community for being gay (even though I'm not gay) and uses it in my obsessions and compulsions.

It's extremely frustrating, because I can't even interact with my best friend like I'd like to. I want to show friendly affection to people--a hug, a pat on the arm, etc., but I either can't do it, or can't do it without being stressed out. I NEED affection, but so often I can't give it or accept it without a huge amount of anxiety.

Back to my hands. Because of the above mentioned fear, I am constantly washing my hands to avoid sexual contamination. My feelings of contamination don't even have to come directly from the same-gendered person directly. Sometimes I feel contaminated if I touch a spot on my couch that a same-gendered person sat on months ago. Handling a cup that I touched after I touched a gift bag that a same-gendered friend touched can make me feel contaminated. And so I wash. And wash. And wash. My hands get chapped, sometimes crack and bleed, and still I can't stop.

But this weekend helped, because I was sleeping a lot--if I'm sleeping, I'm not washing. I also used a really good moisturizer. My hands actually look halfway normal. For that, I am thankful.