Question About OCD and Spirituality

I have a question for any of you fellow OCDers out there who have religious/spiritual beliefs.....what parts of your religion/spirituality do you find to be much tougher because of OCD? For example, reading the Bible is sometimes harder for me because I have to reread things, or end on something positive. Praying is harder for me because I have to say a certain number of things, and certain phrases. These are a few examples from my own life. Is there anything in your practice of your certain belief that OCD makes more difficult?

Attention OCDers!

I am currently involved as a subject in the project mentioned below. They are looking for participants with OCD, and I'm happy to post their casting flyer on my blog. I can tell you they are fantastically nice, and extremely respectful! Please contact them if you'd like to participate.

"Pink Sneakers Productions is currently casting for TLC's new documentary series tentatively titled, "Life Chronicles". Each episode documents the day-to-day lives of people affected by different life experiences. One of our episodes will focus on obsessive-compulsive disorder. We are currently looking for people who have been directly or indirectly (family member of, etc) affected by OCD.
These are unique and sensitive topics to be covered through a true, documentary style format to inform and educate our viewers while preserving respect for all parties involved.
If you, or someone you know may be interested in participating in this project with us and sharing his or her story please contact us at casting@pinksneakers.net and feel free to check out our website at www.pinksneakers.net.
We thank you in advance for sharing your story."

Son of a Twitch

One of my OCD symptoms that annoys the heck out of me has to do with my face and ears. Sometimes I feel like I have to sniff or raise my eyebrows or blink a lot. Sometimes I have to pop my ears a lot.

Have any of you experienced that? Does your medication affect it? How do you stop it? I'm sure I"m not the only one who struggles with this.

Masturbation

Yeah, I went there.

OK, so OCD presents certain challenges with various areas of life. For me, I have a struggle sometime with masturbation. I can't do it with my Grandma's wedding ring on. It just feels wrong. I take it off.

I will always use a latex glove or plastic bag to prevent contamination.

I feel slightly guilty.

I feel dirty, even though I am a virgin. I feel like I've contaminated certain things I touch. I have gotten over this, but I used to take a shower afterwards to "cleanse" myself. I'd feel like my clothes were contaminated.

I worry about having wrong thoughts, or that I'm committing a sin.

It's frustrating, because even thought this is a normal part of life, and not wrong, there is so much guilt and feeling of wrongdoing sometimes. I know I am not a dirty person, and that I am not bad, but there is still so much guilt and feeling of contamination. I'm getting better, but it can be really frustrating to have to deal with perceived contamination and sin, whether real or imagined.

Masturbation historically has been fraught with secrecy, guilt, and judgement. It is very natural, but especially to OCD sufferers, it brings special challenges as we associate it with contamination, sin, and guilt.

The only thing I can do is offer my experience, and tell you that I still think I am a good person, even thought I struggle with my guilt and thoughts. I don't know if this will help anyone, but please know that if you struggle with fears, doubt and guilt, you are not alone. And you are still a good person.

It's amazing to think that I've not posted on this blog for a year. Thank you to all who encouraged me to keep going - your encouragement means a lot to me. Well, let's see. Right now I'm still struggling with the washing of my hands. I've been using pump soap lately which has really dried out my hands. Any advice on how to restore moisture to my cracked and bleeding knuckles? :)

OCD is a really amazing thing. It keeps cycling. It preys on your worst fears, and keeps changing so you always find yourself at a disadvantage. I've talked before about "good" and "bad" numbers. Recently I've found that they can cycle through pretty fast. The numbers that were traditionally bad for me have turned good for a while, and have now started turning back to bad. It's frustrating. Just when you thought improvements were being made, the improvements switch back to bad things.

Life has been pretty good lately, thought, in spite of the bleeding knuckles and cycling numbers. I've been taking some vitamin supplements that have at least put me in a good mood. Mind you, I"m not a doctor, so perhaps the supplements I am taking will lead to some kind of weird cancer or destroy my spleen. I don't know. What I do know is that I am feeling great taking St. John's Wort, Magnesium/Calcium/Zinc, Flax/Borage/Fish Oil, and then my regular medications. Please ask your doctor before adding any supplements or vitamins to your medication. Some supplements have terrible reactions with medication. Ask your doctor before you try any vitamins or supplements. (Lawyers, are you happy?!)

I have been struggling lately with a really weird symptom. It's not terribly disruptive, but it's weird. I have to have the light reflect off my thumbnail just right, so that it forms a vertical line down the left side of my left thumbnail. I don't know if any of my friends or family have noticed me angling my thumb so that whatever light there is (lamp light, the light of the speedometer, etc.) hits it just right, but it is annoying. I'm still slightly surprised I haven't gotten in a car accident due to all the things I have to do with my OCD while driving, but there you are.

What a crazy disorder. How can I help any of you who may be struggling?

My apologies for the LONG lapse in blog updates. Thank you, though, to all of you faithful who have continued to comment and check! I have been so encouraged by the comments and emails I receive - it just shows me that we are not alone in our struggles, even though sometimes our symptoms seem so private and unique.

My job as an insurance agent has been going very well. I still have the same struggles - worrying about if I touched something after another female touched it, thoughts about if I brushed up against a female, etc., but luckily I've been able to avoid ridiculous amounts of handwashing thanks in part to a) being tethered to a phone all day, and b) not wanting to be obviously OCD in public. Of course, sometimes I'm able to just "not care" or turn off the OCD thoughts as well.

My insurance should kick in pretty soon, and then I hope to eventually get back into therapy. I always enjoyed therapy - you can get thoughts off your chest, feel encouraged, and develop coping skills to fight the OCD.

I should mention something about my last post - I had put a list of people that had annoying tendecies that annoyed me as an OCD-er, such as "Clicky McClickerson". I did not in any way mean to offend or cause insecurity to anyone whose OCD actually causes them to BE Clicky, etc. I just thought it was a funny little way of pegging the people who usually trigger my OCD, not offend anyone whose OCD might cause them to be Clicky, etc. My apologies if that was in any way insensitive.

On a different note, is there anything I can blog about that would be of any help to anyone? For example, is there any symptom you might want to ask me about, or any part of my experience I can share? Is there anything you'd like to see on this blog that is not currently here?

A New Job, A Better Day

Here's a happy update: I have a new job as an insurance agent. I'm in training right now, and will take my state licensing test tomorrow. In addition to being a boost to my wallet, this job also brings a boost to my life with OCD. Now I'm busy all day, and around other people, so my tendency to perform rituals and compulsions is diminished. (As they say, an idle mind is OCD's playground.) I am doing really well, and maybe, once my insurance kicks in, I can go to therapy once in a while.

My training right now involves sitting in a classroom with others, and if you've been through school or really, been in any classroom setting, you know there are certain people who always attend. For those of you who are sensitive to sounds (like I am), hopefully you will find this listing humorous (if not accurate). Here is a list of people who always seem to be in class with you:

Clicky McClickerson - Constantly has a click-type pen in hand. Waits until everyone is concentrating, and then begins the rhythmic audio torture, oblivious to the pain of everyone else. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Clicky, put the pen down, or I will put the pen down for you. And by “down,” I mean, “in one of your less comfortable orifices.”

Sniffy McSnifferson - For the love of all that is pure and holy, please just blow your nose. And then, if you feel a bit of nasal drippage again, use the tissue to wipe it away. Don’t sniff so much. Or so hard. I think I had a pen in my hand a minute ago.

Bouncy McBouncerson - You are moving the WHOLE table! Seriously! Take some meds. Or make sure you’ve gone through your withdrawals before work. If I wanted everything around me to shake, I’d move to California.

Chewy McChewerson - It’s cool to chew ice. If you’re alone. If you are around me and I hear you chewing ice, I will assume you need help crushing the ice, and will help - with my fist.

Wrappy McWrapperson - When it’s really quiet in the classroom, there’s no way you’re going to open that bag of chips or piece of hard candy unnoticed. Bite the bullet and open it quickly, don’t drag it out into a 5-minute production of trying to gently open the bag. If you do drag it out, I will wait until we are in the lunchroom, then loudly ask you if that rash has gone away yet.

Whispy McWhisperson - Usually Whispy is a girl who, for whatever reason, knows the answer to a question in class, but doesn’t want to say it at regular volume. This basically says, “I know the answer, and I’d like those around me to know I know the answer, but I just don’t have the courage/energy/confidence to commit this answer to my vocal cords.” I’ve found that if you taze Whispy everytime she tries to answer under her breath, she eventually stops. Well, stops moving. Turn that tazer down a notch.

Mouthy McMoutherson - Along with Chewy, this classmate thinks that others enjoy listening to the wonderful sounds that they can make with their mouth. Whether it is chewing loudly, making “tsk” sounds, or clicking their tongues, these people must be stopped at all costs. Normal assault laws do not apply in this case - you can act with impunity. Suggestion: Use large sticks.

Breathey McBreatherson - Yes, we know you can breathe. And really, you’re quite good at it. We just don’t want to hear EVERY FREAKING ONE of your breaths. Clear your sinuses, close your mouth, and we’ll all get along just fine. (WARNING: Breathey may morph into Sniffy if he manages to clear his sinuses, but they start running. Hold on to your pen if you don’t want it to become a casualty of Sniffy’s nasal vortex.)

In spite of the flaws of the above mentioned classmates, I am so happy to have a job, and so happy that my OCD is not as strong. I hope that all of you are having a good day!